Facebook ads are an unruly beast. I typically get advertisements for electrician supplies, like “wire nut gloves”. I also get random ads for engagement rings,which causes me to me on my own spit, even though I love my boyfriend. But lately I've been getting ones advising me to go school to become a priest or nun or go into some sort of Jesus Peace Corps. I'm not exactly sure why Facebook decided those were appropriate for me, because my interests on my profile are “Hustlin'” and “Ketel One”.The most disturbing development is a series of ads for “Christan Mingle.com”. It's tagline is as follows: “Find God's Match For You.” That sentiment is one of the biggest problems I have with Christianity, right up there with the other irritating things like no masturbation and an irrational hate of shellfish. But, ultimately, it's the idea these Christians try to hammer into my head that God has a predetermined plan for me that really gets my chastity belt in a twist.
First of all, how do I get a copy of this so-called plan? I don't like surprises. Plus, all the surprises in the bible are terrible and employed in the plot as ways to prove your faith to god. He never gives good surprises, just shit like locusts and a disembodied voice telling you to murder your children. So, obviously, I'd like to know if God is going to give me colon cancer, or gangrene, or scurvy, so I can prepare accordingly. If I'm going to have a near death experience in the future, I just think it'd be nice if he gave me a little notice. That way I can shave my legs the day that I'm going to get in an almost fatal car accident so the EMTs won't be grossed out by my pale legs, which will have become ape-like in hair coverage after what could be weeks of me forgetting to buy razors at CVS. And maybe, if they're lucky, I'll have the foresight to wear underwear under my jeans so when they cut the fabric off my mangled body to view the damage, the nurses won't think I'm a hussy.
I did some research on how to find God's Plan for me (a.k.a I Googled “How to find god's plan for me”), and a lot of it was about how you need to pray and then “God's plan will reveal itself”. Sorry, God, but I spent a lot of money on therapy sessions and SSRIs, so if you think I'm going to do something to actively promote the hearing of voices, you're fucked. I'd prefer a hard copy, notarized by an angel, sent to my mailing address. I'm assuming he has that on file somewhere.
One website I looked at said that I “was blessed to have free will” and now what I needed to do was use that “free will” to decide to follow “God's will” and “his word” (or, more accurately, the word of some guys who recorded glorified legends way after the fact, with sweet action scenes about rapes, murders and raging infernos)(Basically a Law and Order S.V.U episode) and that will be my plan. This seems odd to me. If God had a specific course selected for me, why would he let me fuck it up with free will in the first place? In the purpose of discourse, I will now assume that God is essentially playing an elaborate game of The Sims with the population at large. This actually makes a lot of sense to me. Every time I've played The Sims, I've ended up watching my mini-people piss themselves, leave partially consumed food all over the floor and, on one occasion, light their significant other on fire in an oven accident. I would bet my last tallboy that those would be among the tamer scenes God watches on a daily basis. I used the cheat codes to buy all the nicest shit available for my Sims, decorated a whole house for them, and then they would literally piss on it. God created a nice little world for us, and we fucked it all up within 6000 years (Obviously, I do not believe that is the correct number, and neither should you, dumbass). No wonder God flooded the earth to punish us. He was just trying to get the pee stains out of the carpet.
Plus, it seems like to me, that God isn't always attentive to the follow through. It's a trite argument to be like “Oh, why do babies die? Did God plan that? Why does he let people get murdered?”. I think it's probably like this: Those dicks had a plan originally, but God just kind of forgot about them for a second, and next thing you know, they're chopping up body parts in a basement dungeon and eating them. If all babies are a gift from God, I think we should return some for store credit. God made too many children, so he can't possibly keep track of all of them, like the Duggar family and their army of babies. I'm sure Michelle Duggar forgets one or more children at the grocery store on a fairly regular basis. Although, to be fair, it's easy to pick them out because they dress like Laura Ingles Wilder.
But still, all of this still doesn't explain why ChristianMingle.com thinks using an online dating source means following God's plan for you. Unless of course, Jesus is the CEO and the Holy Ghost does the official match making selections.
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